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Helping Your Toddler Make Friends

Learning to play nicely

The 18-month mark is typically when altercations begin to arise in your child’s early relationships. When parents see a fight brewing, they’re often tempted to jump to the rescue, but it’s actually better to let children work things out themselves. “We need to be powerful in our parenting and teach kids to have a voice instead of just rescuing them,” says Schafer. “Many parents want to step in the moment there’s any kind of conflict, but it’s actually an opportunity for learning.”

When a playmate suddenly snatches your child’s toy, it’s important not to jump in and start scolding or comforting. Instead, act as a mediator and teach your toddler to speak up for herself, says Schafer. You can check in with your child and ask her, “do you like being treated that way?” And if she says no, tell her “then you need to speak up,” says Schafer.

Teach your child to communicate with her playmate by saying something like: “Can you tell your friend how you feel and say ‘I’m not done yet?’” Follow this by saying “your friend is asking for a turn when you’re done, can you find him and give him the toy when you’re finished?” This puts the control in the hands of your child instead of you simply saying “It’s his turn now,” and handing the toy over.

Toddler friendships can be a bit rocky at times and if things seem to be getting out of hand, it’s okay to step in as long as you do it without overreacting. “Hitting, biting and other aggressive behavior are often a sign that children are trying to connect,” says Schafer. “They’re just trying to figure out how to play and haven’t quite got it yet.” Your knee-jerk reaction may be to want to separate them, when sometimes you just need to redirect them toward cooperative play, she says. “You can say something like, ‘it looks like you really want to play with this boy, so how about we build a fort together?’”

Meet our expert:

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada's leading parenting experts. She is the best selling author of Breaking the Good Mom Myth (John Wiley and Sons 2006) and Honey, I Wrecked The Kids (John Wiley and Sons 2009). Her popular TV call-in show, The Parenting Show, is now in its fourth season. For more on her principles, rules and tools for parenting visit: alyson.ca