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Hitting, Kicking, Biting and Hair Pulling
How to cope with your child’s aggressive behavior.
by: Elizabeth Pantley
Acting Out
- Teach your child how to deal with frustration before an incident occurs using techniques such as role-play.
- Give more attention to the injured child rather than the one who did the hitting.
- Teach your child positive touch, such as how to hold hands or give a back rub.
- Tell your child to clap his hands whenever he feels an urge to hit–this gives him an outlet for his emotions.
- If you have a child who has trouble controlling his physical acts, avoid wrestling and other physical play at home.
hildren resort to aggressive behaviors because of a lack of wisdom and self-control–it is not a sign that they are hateful or mean. Here's how to teach your child to handle his frustration and anger in appropriate ways.
1. Intercede Before Your Child Acts Out
Watch your child during playtime. When you see him becoming frustrated or angry–intervene. Coach him through the issue by teaching him what to do, or modeling what he should say to his friend as opposed to lashing out. If he seems too upset to learn, redirect his attention to another activity until his emotions level out.
2. Teach Your Child How to React
It's one thing to step into an argument and solve it yourself, but it's another thing entirely to teach him what to do in advance of the next problem. This can be done through role-play, discussion, and reading a few children's books about angry emotions.
3. Examine Hidden Causes
Is your child hungry, tired, sick, jealous, frustrated, bored, or scared? If you can identify any feelings driving his actions, then you can address those along with the aggressive behavior.
4. Don't Reward Bad Behavior with Extra Attention
Often the child who hits gets so much attention that the action becomes a way of gaining the spotlight. Instead, give more attention to the child who was hurt. Simply say: "No hitting!" Then, turn and give attention to the child who was wronged.
5. Teach Positive Physical Touching
Show your child how to hold hands during a walk, or how to give a back rub or foot massage.
6. Clap Off
Tell a child to clap his hands whenever he feels an urge to hit. This gives him an immediate outlet for his emotions and helps him learn to keep his hands to himself.
7. Give your Child a Time Out
When a child acts out aggressively, immediately and gently take him by the shoulders, look him in the eye and say: "No hurting others-time out." Guide the child to a chair and tell him: "You may get up when you can play without hitting." By telling him that he can get up when he's ready, you let him know he is responsible for controlling his own behavior. If he gets up and hits again, say: "You are not ready to get up yet," and direct him back to time out.
8. Avoid Play Hitting and Wrestling
Young children who roughhouse with a parent or sibling during playtime may be tempted to use these same actions during non-wrestling times. It can be hard for them to draw the line between the two. If you have a child who has trouble controlling his physical acts, then avoid this kind of play.
9. Don't lose control
It's easy to get angry when you see your child hurting another child. This won't teach your child what he needs to learn: i.e. how to control his emotions when others are making him mad. When you're mad, your child will be watching how you handle your anger.
10. Don't focus on punishment
More than anything your child needs instructions on how to treat other human beings, particularly during moments of anger or frustration.
Meet our expert:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of eight parenting books, including: The No-Cry Sleep Solution. She is also a contributing author to The Successful Child with Dr. William Sears. Based in Washington, Pantley is the president of Better Beginnings Inc. (a family resource and education company) and a parenting expert for a variety of publications including: Parents, Parenting, and Redbook.
