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Surviving Toddler Power Struggles

How to end the arguing and prevent a full-blown tantrum with your toddler

by: Sharon Silver

t can happen anywhere, at anytime–your child wants something and you say "no." Before you know it, the arguing and negotiating have ramped up and you're in the middle of a power struggle. Fortunately, there is a fast way to fix the situation before the real tantrums begin. Here's what you need to know.

Why the battle of wills begins in the first place

Power struggles are an inevitable part of a child's development and are how children push the envelope so they can learn the boundaries in different situations. Power struggles happen because a child has hit the end of his rope verbally, physically or emotionally and isn't mature enough to know how to handle his big feelings and express himself respectfully at the same time, not yet. So he uses arguing as his method of communication.

Gauging your reaction

As your child screams his demands at you, you may feel overwhelmed, embarrassed or angry. You probably increase the intensity of your reaction because you know what's coming: a totally out-of-control temper tantrum.  So why doesn't the arguing end when you say, "stop it now?"

When a parent increases the intensity of her reaction to stop a power struggle, it can be scary for their child. Toddlers and preschoolers tend to revert back to a slightly younger age when they were really emotional, causing a power struggle to get bigger, or morph right into a frightened tantrum.

The other thing that could happen is due to immature understanding. A young preschooler can view a parent's reaction as a form of teaching–your child is still learning and your reaction is one of the things teaching him. They may misinterpret your reaction as, "Oh, so this is how you're supposed to behave" and then they model your behavior right back at you.

How to drop your end of a power struggle

Since your child is young and learning from everything around him, you need to make the first move to change the situation. How? You can back out of the power struggle by simply going silent for 10 to 60 seconds. It's that simple and that powerful.

The silence is not to be used as a punishment and it shouldn't go on for any longer than it takes for you to see your child calm down a little bit. As long as the silence isn't punitive, it quickly becomes more powerful than arguing. It sends the message, "I hear you and I'm no longer willing to argue with you."

Why it works

Your first reaction after reading this may be: "Doesn't that mean I'm letting him get away with disrespectful behavior?" Actually, it's quite the opposite. Parental silence captures his attention and he thinks, "Uh oh, I'm in trouble." And since he's emotionally out of control, your silence shows him that you're calm and in control–and he's comforted by that. He also senses that the pleading, negotiating and screaming has to stop now.  

The key is to explain why you've gone silent. If you don't, it will either confuse him or cause a bigger fuss. So, the next time you find yourself arguing fruitlessly with your child, follow these simple steps:

1. Go silent for 10-60 seconds as soon as you realize you're in a power struggle.
2. Take a few deep breaths and wait for your child to calm down before you talk. Explain that you won't have a conversation again until he calms down. Then, go silent again as he tries to re-engage you–and he will. Repeating instructions is key as you follow this step.
3.  Repeat this process as many times as needed until your child is back in control of his emotions and you can move on. Finally, follow your heart as you teach him how to handle his emotions and express himself without going into battle.

Meet our expert:

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, www.proactiveparenting.net a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.