Some parents find they feel closer to one child than the other, which can cause terrible guilt and a great deal of stress. We can’t choose our children and their different personalities can mesh–or–clash with our own. It’s not easy when we feel an easy love for one child, and a love that takes more work for another.

Sometimes this just has to do with personality–we often get frustrated by the traits in our children that we don’t like in ourselves. Sometimes we react to behaviors and tendencies our children have that remind us of things we don’t like about our spouse, or a relative we have trouble getting along with. And as we react to our children, they often act out in return–often exaggerating the behaviors we dislike the most.

If you find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do to protect your relationship with your child and to ensure that things do not become more challenging between you–or to repair the damage if they already have.

• Make sure to spend special connecting time with this child for a few minutes every day.
• Make sure you tell your child what you admire or appreciate about them, taking special note of things they did that were positive that day.
• Make sure to cuddle and be nurturing to them every day. Stroke their cheeks, look into their eyes and make them feel delicious. Do this even if it’s a struggle–it will help the bond and improve behavior.
• Write them little notes to leave in their lunch, or on their bedroom door.
• Use humor and jokes to bond and enjoy one another. Take time to be silly and playful.
• Catch yourself if you spend more time with one child over the other, or if you speak to one child in a gentler way. If they are complaining about it, there may be a reason.
• Be aware of overcompensating (or protecting one child over the other if you notice your spouse favoring one child).
• Find and celebrate the strengths in all your children. Traits that make them a challenge to parent may make them strong and competent adults one day.
• Don’t beat yourself up, just because you are a parent does not mean you are not a human being. It is normal to react to difficult behaviors. And if you do overreact, you can always go back and repair.

Feeling this way does not make you a bad person or a bad parent, it just means you are reacting to a dynamic and that it is important to be aware of that and to be aware of your contribution to that dynamic. If they push you away or reject you, try not to act hurt. Respond in a neutral way and try again later, or try something more subtle, like finding a cute picture of them and talk about how adorable they are in it. Remember every child needs to feel loved and lovable; it is the single most protective thing in terms of good emotional and social health.

It is also important to realize that the child, whom you feel like giving that nurturing attention to the least, is the one who needs it the most.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and found of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

My husband and I took our five-year old skating the other day and what a pleasure it was. She listened to our instructions, put them into action and stuck to it. She fell and got up, fell and got up again. She tried and tried until she was skating on her own. It made for a happy outing and a wonderful achievement for her.

This was not how it went years ago when we first took our older son skating. He is sixteen now, happy and successful at almost everything he tries but, back when he was five, this kind of outing would have been a nightmare. Two minutes on the ice and he would have been crying and demanding to go home. It was the same with bike riding, basketball or anything new that he tried. As parents, we would fluctuate between being angry and very sad for him. He was a perfectionist and the second he couldn’t do something right, he quit in a fury.

Anxious children and often gifted kids seem to have this trait. It’s as if they have it all figured out and feel they should be able to easily master it. Then, as soon as they realize they can’t, they are devastated and refuse to try further.

These same kids often have difficulty losing and will quit games with peers as soon as things don’t go their way. It is very hard to know how to deal with this and as a parent you either find yourself getting incredibly angry or just giving in because the fight is simply too much. It can also be embarrassing when your child is the one storming off the soccer field or lying in the middle of the ice rink.
Here’s what to do:

• Stay Neutral This is very hard, but threatening and getting angry do not work with a child like this. Neither do bribes.

• Empathize This is a hard one, but try to empathize with their frustration and then give them some space. Sometimes staying there and trying to talk them into it only fuels the episode. Go on with what you’re doing and don’t stop the activity, check in from time to time to see if he is ready to try again and repeat if not.

• Don’t lecture If they completely refuse and will not try, don’t go on and on about it. Make a statement about how hard it must be when their frustration gets in the way of their fun and how much you would like to see them push through these feelings. Then try to walk away.

• Don’t have a parade If they do decide to try again, don’t go overboard saying “Oh that’s so great, look he’s back!” This will embarrass your child and raise the stakes, often making him quit again. Calmly, and in a neutral way, welcome him back, but don’t make a big deal about it.

• Watch your agenda Be certain that it is not your need for them to be interested in, or good at, this activity that is driving the issue. If your child senses this is more about you, it can add to his anxiety and fuel the desire to quit.

• Don’t compare Try not to compare your child to siblings who have mastered the same activity. This can lead to shame and further shut down.

• Acknowledge the effort, not the outcome Focusing too much on achievement and end results can leave kids stressed and afraid they won’t be able to do it again. Praise even the smallest attempt at the activity.

• Talk about their brain When they want to quit because they can’t master a skill fast enough, tell them that it takes time for their muscles to learn how to do it. The brain knows how but it takes time to get that information to the muscles. This can really help kids who give up too quickly

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and found of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

Chocolate Boob Tax has been officially launched with the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Looking for a way to lose weight and do good?

Chocolate Boob Tax is putting out a challenge to all moms to make yourself accountable for your cravings.

In 2010, I’m pledging to pay $1 to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation each time I eat chocolate.

My goal is to raise $10,000. While I love chocolate, I obviously need a little help to reach my goal.

If you love chocolate but are looking for a way to limit your intake, visit Chocolate Boob Tax. Tell us about your indiscretions and when you get to $25 log onto Eat Chocolate, Find a Cure to pay your chocolate tax.

A self-proclaimed chocoholic I decided to make good from my bad habit. For the next year, each time I indulge I will donate $1 to help find a cure for breast cancer.

Care to join in?

You can track my progress and join in yourself by following my blog: Chocolate Boob Tax

My six-month-old explores a Niagara Vineyard

I’ve brought a child to a winery twice. Both times my baby was under age one. We went for a walk through the vineyard to look at the grapes, played on the grass and then enjoyed a relaxing dinner and glass of wine on the patio. My baby sat in his highchair happily looking at all the activity going on around him. My husband and I each enjoyed one glass of wine. After a great afternoon, we drove home. Does this make me a bad parent? According to some people, yes.

Last year, we posted our baby-friendly wine route. Since then, we have received countless emails (from people calling themselves “Sour Grapes,” “Happily Single”  and–my favorite– “Concerned Non-Parent”) chastising us for posting a list of wineries that encourage families to visit.

I’ve been told parents should have a zero tolerance for alcohol if there children are around. “Even one ounce is too much.” I’ve been told having a glass of wine in the presence of a child is the same as taking a hit of cocaine. I’ve been told wineries should be a sanctuary for adults and it should be illegal to bring a child.

I’ve often wondered why some North Americans feel that adults need to change their entire life the second a baby comes into the world. In other areas of the world family-life is encouraged and children are considered an asset not a hinderence. Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to teach my child how to behave in public and for me to want to spend time with them rather than than leaving them with a nanny while I carry on with my “so-called adult life?” Should I really only bring my children out in public twice a year for a visit to Chuck E. Cheese?

I avoided visiting a winery when my first-born turned one because I was worried he might act out. Now that he’s almost three I will try again soon. If he does act out, I’ll leave. As parents can we please use common sense when bringing our children to a winery or restaurant? If a child acts out–leave. If not, stay and enjoy. It’s that simple.

Never mind dealing with your child’s anger–it can sometimes be hard enough to deal with our own. I have so many parents come to me and say, “I’m a really nice person. I never got angry or yelled at anyone before I had kids.”

The depth of emotion that you feel with your own child can indeed be overwhelming. You love this little person so much you can hardly stand it, but the frustration and anger can be just as overwhelming. It can be surprising how angry we can get and how much yelling we can do.

Being stressed and tired or trying to do too many things can add to our frustration–but the truth is sometimes kids just really know how to push their parents’ buttons. Whether it’s giggling and laughing when you’re trying to discipline, ignoring your request or talking back, it can be hard to keep your cool. But although getting angry and yelling is a popular parenting technique, it’s a very ineffective one. (If it worked, there would be a lot more well-behaved children around!)

The reality is that we yell for us. We yell as a release and we yell because we’re angry and we need to vent. My rule is: if you’re mad and what you’re saying feels really good coming out of your mouth, then it’s probably not the right thing to say. It’s important to stop and ask yourself, “Am I about to say something my child needs to hear? Or am I about to say something I feel like saying?” You will find that the answers to those questions are often very different.

When we yell, we show our children that we’re not able to control our feelings and, in some cases, we are even displaying the very behavior we are asking them not to do. It’s not easy and we all blow up sometimes but the good news is that when we do, we can always go back and repair. Here are some tips to help you keep your cool.

• Leave your self enough time. When you’re rushed, you’re much more likely to get angry and frustrated.
• Recognize–and reduce–your triggers. If multi-tasking is overwhelming and you’re likely to blow your top at the next person who walks in the room, front load the kids to let them know you need a few minutes and what the consequence will be if they disturb you.
• Simplify. Try to do fewer things and go easy on yourself; try to simplify by doing things in advance. If you’ve had a stressful day, order in and forget about bath night for the kids. Keep it simple and manageable. What good is it if they are clean with a stomach full of homemade food but everyone is crying and miserable?
• Breathe. Slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth several times a day when you feel yourself getting stressed. Check in with yourself throughout the day to monitor how you are feeling so you’re less likely to blow your top.
• Find the humour. Laughing about a situation can be very helpful sometimes.
• Take care of yourself. If you’re exhausted and snapping at people, call in a baby sitter, find a mother’s helper or ask a relative to come in so you can go do something for you. If a spa is out of the question, go sit in a coffee shop with a cup of tea and read the paper, or go for a walk.
• Keep everything in perspective. These crazy times are fleeting and they’re the very stuff you will miss, believe it or not, when your kids are grown up and gone.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and found of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

We love our children and want the best for them. But in our rush to give them all the things they want, we may actually be robbing them of important coping skills.

Too often the more children get, the more they want and the less they appreciate what they get. It’s the reason so many of our basements are filled with mountains of toys that are never played with.

Where does it end, and how can we bring things back into balance? Saying “no” is hard–but if you think it’s hard now, wait until they’re 16 and wanting co-ed sleepovers, or expect you to buy alcohol for their parties (a common practice these days.) Saying “no” doesn’t get easier, it gets harder.

And if every road is smoothed, every desire gratified, every disappointment made up for, children come not only to expect this, but have fewer skills to handle disappointments or losses when they do arise. We essentially get in the way of them developing the emotional hardware necessary to handle what life throws at them, making it difficult for them to bounce back, cope with stress, and learn from mistakes later in life. We may be solving difficult behaviors in the short term by giving in, but creating bigger problems for our children and ourselves later.

Getting everything they want even most of the time can affect your child’s ability to appreciate and care for things, to learn to control that urge for immediate gratification, or to know the joy of earning something she has worked for. To prevent that from happening, here are a few tips to help you say “no:”

Tips for saying no:

• Stay neutral and clearly say “no” to your child. Don’t say “maybe” or “we’ll see.” Say “no” if you mean no and stick to it.
• If your child gets angry and has a tantrum, stay calm and tell your child that you love them enough for them to be mad at you. That you wouldn’t be a good parent if you said “yes” to everything. They will make noise and have a fit, but don’t get sucked in. They will give up when they believe you.
• Never give in to a tantrum or whining for the toy, item or activity they have requested. This rewards the behavior and guarantees its return.
• Use a neutral but confident voice–if you don’t believe yourself, they won’t believe you either.
• Talk to them about others who are less fortunate–ask them to set aside some toys or new gifts that they can give to charity.
• Know that you are helping them develop the life skills they need to handle disappointments in life. It’s important for them to know that they can do this, that they are strong enough.
• Help them create mindful and responsible consumer habits by talking about choices and modeling the difference between wanting something and needing something.
• Help them consider the advertising they are being exposed to–teach them to question it and discuss it.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and found of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

Does your little one wake up before the crack of dawn? Peeling your eyes open and starting your day before your own body clock wants you to is no easy feat.

I am not a morning person. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, waking up is a process. My five-year-old likes to wake me up every morning at 5:45 by diving on my head. “Good morning Mommy! Hi Mommy!!!!!!…” I can’t remember my own name in the morning let alone my parenting skills. This is when I have to fight my hardest to respond and not react. She needs that wake up greeting and she needs me to not be horrible.

My solution? She can quietly watch TV in the next room until she hears my alarm go off. I leave a little snack by the TV and a drink so I can get in those last few minutes of sleep before the busy day starts. This is a significant improvement. When she was very young, I had to wake up because she needed to be supervised and even though my husband and I would share mornings, this was a difficult thing for me.

Here are some survival tips for when you have an early riser:

Stay neutral: If you are going to end up getting up anyway, then do it in a pleasant, or at least neutral, way. Getting up and being miserable doesn’t fix anything and just makes your child feel bad.

Have morning snacks ready: Have some healthy, but quick and easy, snacks ready to stop their tummies from growling. They will play better and be more relaxed, perhaps giving you a few more precious moments with your pillow.

Say what you mean and mean what you say: If your child is old enough to go back to her room and play, or to go back to sleep, and this is something you expect–then no matter what happens, you can’t break your rule and get up. If you do give in and get up, all they have learned is that they have to up the ante, reinforcing negative behavior by showing them you don’t mean what you say.

Take turns sharing the early morning duties. This can at least give you some mornings to catch up on sleep. Even if you are a stay at home Mom, being home with your kids requires stamina and endurance and you need adequate rest for that. Just because your spouse goes off to the office for the day doesn’t mean you should always be the one skimping on sleep. A day at home with the kids often requires more energy than a day at the office.

Prepare a morning toy basket: Keep a basket of new toys, or old ones that your child hasn’t seen in a while, and only have them available in the morning. The novelty of these items might give you that extra few minutes of snooze time.

Remember this too shall pass: Having a child that rises very early in the morning is temporary. Your kids will get to a stage where they can wake up and entertain themselves.

Praise your kids: It is perfectly okay to let your children know that there are times when you have to care for yourself. Thank them for respecting you and letting you rest. It’s good for them and it’s good for you.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and found of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

Is it possible to determine your baby’s gender before you conceive? PlanBaby.com says yes. In fact, they claim to give parents the opportunity to choose their baby’s gender with up to a 95% success rate. How is this possible?

Plan Baby bases its results on the biorhythm method, based on the fact that every human life is ruled by three different cycles: the physical cycle, the emotional cycle and the intellectual cycle. Theses cycles respectively last 23,28 and 33 days. All cycles are positive, negative or neutral and their “charge” alternates monthly.

These cycles are linked to hormones and the polarity cycle of the ovum membrane in women. “The ovum produces an alternating polarity as a result of the mother’s biological clock,” says Plan Baby founder Stephanie Lavaud. “This is nature’s way of varying gender.”

The X chromosome (which produces a girl) is attracted to a positive charge while the Y (which produces a boy) is attracted to a negative one. When the charge is neutral, both X or Y are equally attracted to the ovum.

“We all have about 80 days a year where we will likely conceive a girl and 80 where a boy is most probable,” says Stephanie. The rest of the days are 50/50. Learning your positive or negatively charged ovum days is the best way to choose your baby’s gender.

“I discovered the biorhythm method three years after the birth of my third son,” says Stephanie. But just having the test doesn’t guarantee you’ll be able to bear the sex of your choice. The boy or girl days need to coincide with your fertile times in your cycle. “Once I had my chart done, I realized that out of 12 months I had nine where my biorhythms coincided with a boy and three neutral months,” says Stephanie. “Had I continued to try for a girl I could have ended up with a football team.”