Guilt-free time away – without the kids
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 by:Here’s a difficult scenario that many mothers may relate to: Your partner surprises you with a getaway to spend time together and reconnect. You should be excited: what a privilege, what a treat! But for some moms, the thought of leaving their kids is not exactly a thrill and instead of feeling a sense of excitement and relief, they feel anxiety.
Many women are caught between bonding with their partner and worrying about their children. Some moms simply don’t enjoy being away from their kids. If they do go, they spend the whole time counting the days, phoning home and walking around thinking “I hope the kids are ok.” And your partner then feels sad or resentful that he can’t get your undivided attention.
Here’s what to do:
Before you dismiss the trip or pretend to be happy only to break the bad news later that you don’t want to go, acknowledge the time and thought put into this and the fact that you recognize how important time together is for the two of you. Then let your partner know that emotionally you worry that you will not enjoy being that far away, for that long, and such a trip may in fact make matters worse.
Compromise
See if you can arrange a shorter trip, or a trip not so far away. This will help you be present in the moment and hopefully see that the kids will be fine so you can do a longer trip next time.
If you’re really struggling with it, and if money allows, you could try a family vacation where the kids are in programs so you have the emotional benefits of being near your children with time to spend together when they’re entertained. You could also go with another family and take turns with the kids so the couple can get away and have some time alone. Or, if you have a good relationship with you parents or inlaws, this can also be a solution.
Realize that things are often worse in your head
Often when we leave our kids, it’s actually harder for us than it is for them. Going away can give our children the message that they are fine away from you and it can give them a sense of competence. Children also love to know that their parents want to be together, it helps them to feel secure and safe to know that they want to spend time together.
Going away can give you a rest and time to connect and be adults again, worrying for a short time only about yourself. What you may find is that you do miss the kids but are able to enjoy this time and that after the initial separation you are fine.
Don’t wait for a vacation to stay connected
You don’t have to take a vacation to stay close and connected to your partner. Taking time to go for walks, go out to dinner or take up a new activity together is really important. (It is to easy to get into the rhythm of being very effective roommates!)
It takes time
Sometimes as our children get older, we find it easier to be away from them. When they are infants or toddlers it is especially difficult for some mothers to make that separation. Helping your partner to see that this is temporary may also be helpful, especially if they know you are working on it and finding other ways to stay close.
Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and founder of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.