It’s not easy being the mother of “that kid.” Being the parent of the child who whacks other kids in the playground can mean constant worry and heartbreak. Being the mother of “that kid” means holding your breath during playgroups and hoping your child doesn’t push or pinch an unsuspecting child–and apologizing profusely when he does.

Before you know it, you become known as the mother of “that kid.” You know other mothers are saying things like “Oh, that kid, I don’t want that kid playing at my house,” or “I don’t want my son playing with that kid.” Sometimes other mothers stop seeing your child and see only a “bad kid.” They forget he is little person, with feelings, that he is young and he is struggling. (If we’re honest, we have all thought this way about certain kids and often sit in detached judgment, blaming the parents.)

As a family therapist, I work with the parents of “those kids” all the time and so often see parents who are trying everything to help their children to behave. I see their frustration, fear and tears. These parents love their children deeply and it is so painful to know the rest of the world does not feel the same way. They are often doing everything they can, removing their child from the situation, trying rewards and consequences.

Many moms cry themselves to sleep with worry, guilt and shame, wondering why their child can’t be like the other children. Many of these parents have other children who are not like this at all, which adds to the bewilderment. I work with so many moms who tell me when they walk into school they can barely stand it because they know all the other moms are looking at them and talking about their child.

So if you are the mother of a kid like that, it’s best to be open and honest. Let the other mothers know you are aware of the problem and that you’re working on the issues. Keep play dates and play situations short and sweet and keep a close eye on your child without hovering. If your child does hurt another child, give them a time out or leave the park or play date and have your child draw a picture for the other child. If your child was rude to the other parent, have them write a note or draw a picture for that parent, as a way of saying sorry it can go a long way.

If you can help the other parents to see your child as a child who is trying and struggling and not as an aggressor, this can really help. You just have to try to keep your chin up and get through it. Eventually when the behaviour changes, the kids figure it out–and so do the moms.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and founder of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

Some parents find they feel closer to one child than the other, which can cause terrible guilt and a great deal of stress. We can’t choose our children and their different personalities can mesh–or–clash with our own. It’s not easy when we feel an easy love for one child, and a love that takes more work for another.

Sometimes this just has to do with personality–we often get frustrated by the traits in our children that we don’t like in ourselves. Sometimes we react to behaviors and tendencies our children have that remind us of things we don’t like about our spouse, or a relative we have trouble getting along with. And as we react to our children, they often act out in return–often exaggerating the behaviors we dislike the most.

If you find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do to protect your relationship with your child and to ensure that things do not become more challenging between you–or to repair the damage if they already have.

• Make sure to spend special connecting time with this child for a few minutes every day.
• Make sure you tell your child what you admire or appreciate about them, taking special note of things they did that were positive that day.
• Make sure to cuddle and be nurturing to them every day. Stroke their cheeks, look into their eyes and make them feel delicious. Do this even if it’s a struggle–it will help the bond and improve behavior.
• Write them little notes to leave in their lunch, or on their bedroom door.
• Use humor and jokes to bond and enjoy one another. Take time to be silly and playful.
• Catch yourself if you spend more time with one child over the other, or if you speak to one child in a gentler way. If they are complaining about it, there may be a reason.
• Be aware of overcompensating (or protecting one child over the other if you notice your spouse favoring one child).
• Find and celebrate the strengths in all your children. Traits that make them a challenge to parent may make them strong and competent adults one day.
• Don’t beat yourself up, just because you are a parent does not mean you are not a human being. It is normal to react to difficult behaviors. And if you do overreact, you can always go back and repair.

Feeling this way does not make you a bad person or a bad parent, it just means you are reacting to a dynamic and that it is important to be aware of that and to be aware of your contribution to that dynamic. If they push you away or reject you, try not to act hurt. Respond in a neutral way and try again later, or try something more subtle, like finding a cute picture of them and talk about how adorable they are in it. Remember every child needs to feel loved and lovable; it is the single most protective thing in terms of good emotional and social health.

It is also important to realize that the child, whom you feel like giving that nurturing attention to the least, is the one who needs it the most.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and found of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

We get a lot of advice from well-meaning friends and family before baby is born. Some of the advice is excellent, and some, well… it’s a little off. Like my grandmother, for example, who suggested that I let my four-month-old (who she thought was too pale) get some sun to “brown him like a turkey.”

Here’s what I wish people would have had shared with me instead:

I wish someone had told me how much a new baby can challenge your relationship with your spouse. We could have used that knowledge to help us plan and understand one another. There are many similarities between mothers and fathers, but also many differences. These differences can leave you both scratching your heads.

For instance, moms tend to pick their babies up and pull them face in towards their hearts while soothing and cooing. Moms seem to know as if by magic when baby is over-stimulated and just how to cuddle and calm when needed.

On the other hand, dads will more typically hold babies facing out so they can see what’s going on. They are more likely to swing her up high, bounce her around more, and show her the world from different angles. (With mom in the background saying, “Not so high! Don’t spin her, be careful!” )

Moms tend to feel a sudden and intense bond with their babies–it can be so powerful that virtually nothing can compete with it. Research shows that dads tend to bond with their infants more intensely as the baby gets older. He loves his child, of course, but doesn’t always experience the intensity of the relationship right away.

Some dads report feeling a little displaced and unsure of their roles, or even their usefulness, in those early months. Moms often feel overwhelmed. Sometimes after a day of feeding and cuddling, moms may be so exhausted that just when dad wants some time together, mom is asleep.

Here’s what my husband and I learned: I am not a very good dad, but I’m a great mom. He is not the best mom, but he’s a wonderful dad. We learned to value our own (and each other’s) contributions to our children, and to let our kids experience the best in each of us. We learned that these busy baby days go really fast. That there will be time for each other eventually and that you can find your way together by respecting each other, communicating and not trying to make your partner do everything the way you would do it.

Two teenagers and a five year old later, we’ve also learned to take time for ourselves—walks, dinners, even date nights at home. Remember, this time when your children are young is fleeting; these really are the years you will look back on and miss.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and founder of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact Jennifer at info@connectedparenting.com or visit www.connectedparenting.com.