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Mom Q&As

  1. Expert: Dr. Cheryl Fraser
    September 7th, 2008
    I'm worried about having sex after giving birth. How can I make it easier?

    This is an important question that affects most new parents–namely, how can you and your partner keep being lovers, as well as parents? All too often, new parents become so overwhelmed by their new joys and challenges that they stop relating to each other as a couple in love.

    But fear not, the very fact that you care about your sexual life and want to resume lovemaking is a sign that you value your partner for more than his ability to change a diaper. Here are a few pointers to help you get the lovemaking back, now that the baby-making is done:

    1. Once your medical doctor tells you intercourse is safe, have sex as soon as you can. It is important to simply make love without it being a big deal.

    2. If you have already waited long enough that sex is starting to be a big deal, see the previous point, and make love today.

    3. If that feels like something you are reluctant to do, please take solace in the fact that you are absolutely normal. Having a baby is a huge thing, and creates a big psychological shift for most people. As a woman, your breasts now give milk, your vagina gave birth, you may still be sore, your body may not be the shape and tautness that used to help you feel sexy, and you may be emotionally overwhelmed with the enormity of the responsibility of motherhood. Of course it can be difficult to transition from all of that to a place of mental desire and sexual motivation. That is why I encourage you to simply grab your man, head for the bedroom, and explore together. The longer you wait, the bigger a "deal" it becomes.

    4. For moms who are still too sore for intercourse, make love without it. He can give you an orgasm with oral sex, fingers, or love toys, and you can do the same for him. You will still reestablish your lover status and reassure each other that there is room in your hearts for each other, and that your baby shares that heart space joyfully. If you find you're still a bit "dry" or tender the first time you have intercourse, try using a lubricated condom or personal lubricant, such as K-Y Jelly.

    5. A word about Daddys: often it is the man who is reluctant to make love after the birth of the first child. He saw you in the delivery room, he may have witnessed vaginal pain and tearing, and those images can haunt him. He is also struggling with his new identity; as a father, he may feel an increased sense of responsibility and may be experiencing some doubts as to whether he can provide adequately. In other words, he craves reassurance, love, and connection right now as much as you do. So, no matter how tired you are, or how odd it feels to be virgins together, take time to make love.

    If you really want to get your mojo back, visit Dr. Cheryl's website at to order her CD series Creating Life Long Passion, a home study course for building intimacy, thrill and sensuality that last a lifetime. Justthefactsbaby readers receive a $200 discount. Simply enter the word metta in the promotional code line of the online order form. (Metta, by the way, is a Buddhist word that translates as Loving Kindness.)

    Dr. Cheryl Fraser is a Registered Clinical Psychologist with a PhD in psychology from Simon Fraser University and post doctorate training at the University of California, San Francisco Medical School. She currently has a busy private psychotherapy practice where she specializes in sex therapy, relationship therapy, and Buddhist psychology with both individuals and couples.