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Coping with Invasive In-laws

How to keep the peace and establish a strong bond between your child and his grandparents.

by: Armin Brott

uch as you may not want to hear this, in the minds of your in-laws, their opinion does matter more than yours. They've done this all before and, when it comes to their grandchild, they consider themselves to be the best authority on everything from feeding and sleeping to discipline and toilet training. That's a tough mindset to change, but you can do it and keep the peace at the same time. Here's how to cope with interfering inlaws:

Establish your own roles as parents

The big kicker is that your partner has to be on board with you in order to present a united front. First of all, you need to have some serious discussions about what, exactly, your independent roles as parents are going to be. It's not uncommon for couples to have very different expectations when it comes to parenting.

So be very specific with each other about who'll be doing what. Who gets up for those 3 a.m. feedings? Who's responsible for the diapers–both changing and buying? When will you introduce solid foods and what will that first food be? Should your baby sleep in the same bed as you and your partner? Are you going to teach your baby sign language? A lot of couples avoid dealing with these issues because they're afraid they'll lead to conflict, but dealing with them now will make life easier for both of you in the long run.

Approaching your in-laws

Once you hammer out your roles, you'll have to tackle your in-laws separately. For instance, if it's your parents who are interfering, you'll be the one who has to confront them and vice versa. You'll need to tell them, respectfully, that you and your partner have decided to raise your child in such and such a way. While you both appreciate their opinions and are very grateful that they're willing to help out, you and your partner will be parenting the way the two of you have agreed.

Yes, your parents did a wonderful job of raising you, but times have changed. Be sure to tell them what wonderful grandparents they already are and how, as grandparents, they get to have all the fun of parenting with a lot less of the dirty work. If nothing else is working, you may have to take it up a notch or two by telling your parents that if they can't go along with the parenting program as you've outlined it and respect the two of you as parents, they simply won't be able to spend as much time with their grandchild as they'd like to. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Establishing roles for grandparents

Now that you've set up some ground rules, the next step is to get your in-laws involved in their new role as grandparents. You'll soon realize they have a lot to offer and involving them early is to everyone's benefit. They may be able to help out with babysitting, or just offer support when you need it. And research shows children who have strong relationships with their grandparents benefit socially, emotionally and intellectually. Here are some ways you can help them develop that bond:

• Involve grandparents early so they feel relaxed with your child right from the start.
• If your in-laws are struggling at first, offer gentle suggestions, or demonstrate how your baby likes to be held, burped, fed, etc.
• Visit often and make excursions to grandma and grandpas' house into a big deal that everyone looks forward to.
• Pick your battles–don't criticize everything your in-laws do, but if there's something you feel strongly about, let them know.
• Show your appreciation for the help they give you and remind them how important they are in their grandchild's life.
• As your child gets older, involve him in his grandparents' hobbies, whether it's cooking or gardening–this is a great way to create a special bond between your child and his grandparents.
• Help your child keep in touch with regular phone calls, emails or letters. Sharing photos and artwork and creating a family tree are also great ways to strengthen the relationship.

Meet our expert:

Armin Brott is an accomplished author, speaker and leading authority on fatherhood and families. His six parenting books, including the recently released Fathering Your School Age Child, have sold millions. Brott writes a nationally syndicated column, "Ask Mr. Dad," and has appeared on hundreds of radio and television shows. For more information visit www.mrdad.com.